


Hard to Explain

by epaynter



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Companion Piece, Gen, Introspection, Mentioned - Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago, Mentioned - Ray Holt & Jake Peralta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:01:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22802236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epaynter/pseuds/epaynter
Summary: There is something about Kevin Cozner that makes Jake desperately want to be liked by him. Charles decides to point this out to him one early Thursday morning on their way to a crime scene.
Relationships: Kevin Cozner & Jake Peralta
Comments: 15
Kudos: 126





	Hard to Explain

Jake is driving to the crime scene of a B&E, with Charles as his faithful chosen second, when Charles begins to make him regret the decision just the _slightest_ bit by calling him out at ten in the morning.

In fact, the radio had just finished two of their many favorite songs to duet together- ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ by Queen and ‘Lucky’ by Britney Spears- and Charles is still yapping away.

"I just think that you could show a little more interest in getting to know Genevieve, Jake," Charles tuts beside him in the passenger seat, "You couldn’t even remember her profession and we literally worked a case around it!"

"I’m sorry, Charles- I just haven’t had a ton of time lately. You know I love you guys and Nikolaj. Plus," Jake exclaims, "It’s not like I know much more about Sharon or whoever Rosa is dating. Or Milton, either- whenever that had been a thing before Gina left."

"Milton is not worth even speaking about," Charles retorts, "What about Kevin?"

_And you know, in a weird way, I'm going to miss our little house._

"I spent months with him in a tiny house crawling around on our stomachs with our only entertainment being a small TV and various DVDs, Charles- of course, I know Kevin better than Genevieve!"

"No, no, no, no, no. I’m talking about before all of that."

Jake is puzzled, "Huh? What does that mean?"

He spares a glance in Charles’ direction when they roll to a stop at the intersection of Lee NE and 37th. Charles is vehemently typing out a long text- he can see at least seven different heart emojis taking up several lines- on his phone. It’s a chance that he could take to divert the conversation into whatever pictures (likely in the dozens, this is Charles, after all) of Nikolaj he just received and it would never be brought up again. Or at least, unlikely to.

"Earth to Charles!" He waves his hand in front of the phone. Charles snaps out of his trance.

"Wha- Oh! Sorry about that, Jake. Genevieve was just sending me pictures of Nikolaj and his first time eating asparagus. I told you before about how he basically only eats cheese- well, we’ve been trying to disguise various foods as cheese to see if that might coax him to branch out but so far it’s been horrible. She wrapped the asparagus entirely in cheese. He cried when he found out. But- right before that she took these adorable photos, you want to see?"

"No, I don’t want to see! I’m trying to drive here," Jake says impatiently, "What'd you mean when you said ‘before all of that’ about Kevin?"

The light turns green and Jake presses on the gas harder than he means to.

"Woah, easy there, cowboy. Remember way back when we went to Captain Holt’s birthday party and you found out that you were going to meet Kevin for the first time?"

Of course, he remembers that.

"You were so fixated on getting Kevin to like you. Seriously, I’ve never seen you value the opinion of someone so immediately _and intensely_ despite them having no other impact on your life besides being our boss’s husband. Even more than Captain Holt himself, which I’ve always found a bit confusing, to be honest, considering your ongoing daddy issues and all."

Jake begins to sputter nervously.

His relationship with Captain Holt is complicated. It’s a cycle of trying to balance his need to impress him, to prove something- everything- to him, to show him how capable and brilliant he can be not only as a cop but as an adult entirely separate from him against his desire to cling to Holt like a lost child in need of his constant attention and affection. It had ebbed and flowed over the years, the last few months had been more a little more ebbing rather than flowing, especially after the honeymoon incident. He is still in the cycle all the same. Holt is a landmark in his life and they are both equally invested in each other. It had taken Jake way too long to realize the feeling was mutual.

He also has to share him with the rest of the squad. When he went to prison, Amy and Charles became his routine visitors while Terry and Holt did the same for Rosa. Jealousy is an ugly emotion and he doesn’t regret the fact that he got his best friend and the love of his life during those hellish weeks. But during the worst of it, when he felt at his most vulnerable, when he was curled up in his bunk, listening to the sounds of disjointed agony and metal bars clanging out of rhythm, when the fear was choking him into a panic attack and he had to dig his nails into skin so hard that it drew blood, he wanted nothing more than to be near Holt more than anyone else in the universe. The petulant child in him wanted to ask to see him way too many times. He never did.

Jake didn’t even get a chance to talk to him about any of it in the aftermath other than a flippant and brief discussion in his office. Holt had been juggling being varying degrees of a paternal figure to multiple people and Jake was just one of many desperate for his time. No matter how unique their relationship is or how close they are, Holt is a fair man in all respects and divided his attention equally amongst the squad- well, except maybe for Hitchcock and Scully.

"Kevin is different," Jake says.

There is something about Kevin Cozner that makes Jake desperately want to be liked by him. It had been entirely personal from the beginning, in contrast to his confusing and everchanging work-personal relationship that Jake has with his husband, and it’s as frustrating as it is rewarding.

Kevin is- _at least, with Jake_ \- sardonic, wickedly smart, and even-tempered. As a civilian, he had more courage than some veteran police officers when faced with a life-threatening situation and yet, in the lack of this fear, still manages to look like the most innocent soul alive. He didn’t use his education to belittle Jake but rather used it as a means to understand their differences. His annoyance with ‘popular culture’ isn’t _entirely_ a snide at being beneath him as Jake had initially assumed- and Kevin would deny any of that if asked- he had implied to Jake that he had very little exposure to any mainstream media coming from an uptight, wealthy family and kept to himself in his younger years as he became more and more aware of his ‘controversial’ (the thought of it makes Jake’s blood boil) sexuality. He learned a lot about Kevin when they lived together.

_Yes, and in an even weirder way, I think I might actually miss you._

"That’s not much of an explanation, bud."

There isn’t any explanation that Jake can make sound sane aloud. Ever since he can remember, he had always formed intense platonic attachments to certain people. It never made sense. Kevin had said ‘thank you, Jake’ with warm eyes after the reveal of the surprise romantic dinner for both Kevin and the captain and Jake’s brain had the words on a loop for an _embarrassing_ amount of days after. He could listen to Kevin talk for hours about himself (although Kevin definitely would never do this- the man is insanely private and the furthest thing from self-absorbed; it had taken Jake weeks to pry anything out of him that wasn’t educational or sarcastic) and not lose interest once.

It isn’t that Genevieve and Sharon aren’t as interesting as Kevin. It’s that Kevin matters more, _to him_ , and it hadn’t been a conscious decision but an instinctive reaction made by his brain as soon as Jake learned his name. Frustration prickles at his skin and he wants nothing more than to talk to Amy. She is the only person that he has ever told about this habit- or weird brain thing or whatever- about Kevin, in particular, but about others too like Doug Judy. She always makes him calm. She passionately defended his mind when he felt ashamed of it and she had been the one to tell him that he should be proud of it because his love, that intense affection, changes people.

"Can we please just work the case? I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night," Jake lies. Maybe he could tell Charles about it one day.

"Ohh, due to several magical rounds of baby-makin' 'n shakin', perhaps?"

On second thought, maybe not.

"Ew- Charles!"

"Sorry, sorry- I’ll stop. So where exactly was the point of entry?"

_It is simply a laser. The pointer is you._

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this last week as a companion piece to "A Sign of Change" and was hesitant to post it at first because Jake's perspective is still difficult for me.


End file.
